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The Life Of The Common Ass Badger [Oct. 7th, 2011|11:21 am]
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This work is entirely mine. This morning I figured it would be hilarious to to a documentary on ass badgers, which is actually just a silly insult I use randomly and came up with...I don't know when. Sometime last year. So every once 'n a while I'll call someone an ass badger and today I decided I'd explain what and ass badger is. Or has suddenly become, rather, because I still think of an actual badger head sticking out of someones ass. Anyway, here, have some edjumacating. And please don't steal this, it is my completely original, fictitious work, I am very proud of it and I will be very proud of all the lamp shades I'll make out of your skin if you ignore this message. Oh, imagine this all being narrated by a British nature documentary guy. Y'know? That's the way I've been reading it.. Hence all the commas.


Colo Taxidae Taxus

The Ass Badger, A Documentary

The Colo Taxidae Taxus, more commonly referred to as the 'Ass Badger' is a lesser studied inhabitant of the human colon. It is not, as the name suggests, an actual badger, but rather a small cousin of the mollusk, which seems to be born of the careful balance of bacteria and water found in the human colon. The Colo Taxidae Taxus, or 'Colon Badger' measures an average of .4mm long, with a height of merely .2mm. On the end most commonly referred to as its head it has a long, snout-like protrusion that takes up nearly one fourth of its body length and is used to carefully siphon out the nutrients it needs to survive from the tissue of the colon. On the underside, it has four small polyp-like appendages with four small protrusions on the front of each one which it uses like claws to help it navigate to colon, particularly its upward and downward crawl of the ascending and descending walls.

Colon Badgers can live up to six years, though the average life span is closer to four. They begin their lives in the cecum, the beginning of the colon, which carries more water and salt than the rest of the colon. They manage to stay within the colon by allowing themselves to be buried in the wrinkles created by the contraction of the colon walls produced by the outer wall of muscle whenever feces is passed out of the colon. For the first several days of life, the infant colon badgers, called 'pups', born in litters of two to four are nearly immobile, relying entirely on their parents to bring them food, typically water with small amounts of eco li, which the badgers need to help define their own digestive tract. After about a week, the pups begin attempting to climb the ascending wall. One or both parents will oversee their ventures until they reach the beginning of the transverse colon, at which point they will both stop feeding their offspring and leave the cecum almost completely, as they live out the rest of their lives mostly on the transverse and descending walls. The pups, however, will live out a full year in the cecum, occasionally crawling up the transverse wall for larger salt and eco li clusters, but the water in the cecum remains the larger portion of their diet until about a year of age.

Once the pups leave the cecum completely they are believed to have reached maturity; they have grown to their full extent and have less need for the particular bacterial climate of the cecum. The next several years of their life will be lived out in the transverse colon, alongside their parents who will only recognize them now as competition for food. They have lost the soft, nearly scentless under-tissue of youth and have grown a slightly thicker skin like their parents, accented at regular intervals by long, almost tendril like bacterium that now feed off the reserves of water that slowly secrete from the badgers skin. In return, the bacterium notify the badger of the approach of other badgers through vibrations. The badger then has time to run or defend its territory, depending on the size and gender of the threat. Typically, if a male and female confront one another the female will fight off the male with the aide of slightly longer, sharper claws. They will typically use their front claws to latch on to a fold in the colon wall and kick back at their offender when they get too close. Though these fights rarely result in injury, eventually the male badger will grow tired and leave. Badgers will defend up to half a centimeter of ground; slightly over the length of their body.

At night, colon badgers bed down in small 'puddles' of water, which the bacterium of their body's will absorb and dispel into their skin, only to have it secreted once more. They do this because they cannot withstand water in high volumes, but can pass it through themselves quickly. The pace at which the badger's skin secretes the water is more their speed. Colon badgers will sleep for up the seven hours, but are awake for only eight at a time.

The mating habits of colon badgers are a curious endeavor. They, like their human hosts, have no set mating season. Instead they tend to mate when a female is unable to oust a male from their territory. This usually occurs when a female comes upon a male who has been living in his territory for over several days, a phenomenon that happens rarely as after a matter of several hours a male will typically be chased from his plot by a larger male. As such, large males and ones that are especially good at hiding (usually the exceptionally small males), will commonly reproduce. The act takes several days of 'courtship', after they have fought and the male has exhausted his energy, he will bed down in a puddle just out of reach of the females kick, but still partially withing the confines of the territory. Eventually the female will abandon her defensive stance and bed down as well. After they have rested, the two will share the area, and even help one another find food. After two days or so, the female will allow the male to copulate. The act is brief, taking only seconds and is never repeated. Afterward, though, the two will seemingly form a bond. One particularly fascinating aspect of colon badger copulation is that every act of copulation results in pregnancy. The length of a badger's pregnancy is a mere month, and as such the female reacts to the symptoms withing the first several days. She becomes lethargic and soon will rarely search for food, instead she opts for nearly twelve hours of sleep and relies heavily upon the male to feed her.

Towards the end of the pregnancy, the female will attempt to traverse the ascending colon wall. Instinctively, the male will help her with the use of their joined bacterium. The pregnant female will secrete a slightly larger amount of water than usual, and because the male spends twice as much time hunting for food, he will become dehydrate and secrete less. As such, the bacterium grown on his skin will be more attracted to the skin of his mate and compel him to draw close to her so that they may assimilate. This also works for the bacterium growing on her as well, as they would drown without proper dispersal of excess water. As such, for the last leg of pregnancy, the male and female are attached to one another and the male will, in essence, carry the female down to the cecum, where she, soon after arrival, gives birth and their parental duties keep them there until their offspring can climb the wall as they did.

Once they have seen to it that their litter is capable of fending for themselves, the cycle starts again and can be repeated up as many as twenty times in a badger's lifespan. However, once the female reaches her final three months of life, she is no longer able to reproduce. Her water secretion slowly dries up, and she is drawn, for a time to the drop of the ascending wall, closest to the cecum, as the puddles are larger there. The bacteria, unable to regularly consume water from the females skin, slowly fall off and wait to be picked up by young badgers on their way over the edge of the ascending wall. Once all of the bacteria has fallen from her, the female will make her way to the descending wall and traverse it down to the sigmoid colon, the curving of the colon just before the rectum. There, she lays down and expires.

The males of the species go through a similar experience after their final offspring have been sent off to fend on their own. Slowly he stops secreting as much water and his bacteria abandon him as well. It ends much the same way, though some of the larger males have been known the climb even passed the sigmoid colon and into the rectum, where they fall finally on the sphincter and are passed out of the colon either by gas or feces.