||[Oct. 22nd, 2012|11:30 pm]
|[||They Told Me Too Feel
Didn't think I'd be posting in you like this again, but surprise, surprise I have no one else to turn to right now. In the past 4 years of trying to make a start in LB, I've not so much made friends as started and ended two relationships with people who had friends.
One of them is nice enough to me, but has a well developed life and a happy relationship I'm always afraid to impose on, and as such I don't contact him, rather I wait for him to contact me. This, he only does when his girlfriend is out of town. So that makes me feel really fucking special.
The second one has yet to really get over our relationship, having left the state and come back less than a year later absolutely convinced that if he hadn't left that we'd still be together, and that in his mind means that we still logically had a chance. So I need to give him space.
Other than that I have school to contend with, which is well and nice enough; I only have English classes and that suits me well, but I don't make friends especially easily. I get along well with most of the other students I've talked to and don't have any issue working in groups, but as far as actually making enough of a connection with another person well enough to hang out with them outside of class...not happening.
The thing that bothers me is that I don't get too much homework, and that leaves me with plenty of free time. Time to be alone. In that special, sad kind of way. Admittedly these are first world problems, but that doesn't stop it from hurting. From making me feel like shit for not being able to just make friends. It seems so easy for everyone else, but I seem to be lacking this fucking superpower. I'm trying so goddamn hard to focus on myself, to invest in my future, keeping my grades up and my health strong (I lost 16lbs and started gaining a little back in muscle) but I stop now and again and everything just seems massively fucking pointless.
I think I need help. I'm getting to a point where if I don't do well at this, if I don't get accepted to a school in London I might just not see...why anymore. I'm trying not to be dramatic about this but I really think I need help.
All I want is for one person to just...just ask me if I'm ok. Just a hug, a text message. An invitation to a goddamn Halloween party.
I won't give up. But I can see myself doing it. It's scary.